unclear decision

a few more times I will circle
around this deadlock
for which I am always at the same place
and if not for my persistence
that endured it all
I would have given up a long time ago.
I stand where I am.
at least I'm here, somewhere.
better than nowhere.
the strong will to find the
suitable place to which we aspire
is inversely proportional to a logical decision
to quit.
it proves that I'm only
a simple deficiency arising
from this simple question:
can I find the the way out or maybe
an answer that will not coincide
with my earlier needs?
this curiosity is bothering me
so I nervously transfer the body weight
from one foot to another,
looking for suitable angle from the light on a ceiling
so that my shadow will disappear completely
from the perspective of
my view.
I like to stand on my own shadow when I can't see it
because that's the only time when I totally lose the feeling
of imbalance.
but even the smallest movement of the body
to the right or the left
changes everything.
the immensely attractive power of standing
on top of my own shadow
can not include any of my desires
but they're just pushed into the
minor database that finely coordinated idea
didn't want to accept.
but if I turn my attention
to that thought
I would discover a demonstrative
young consciousness--
sharp and dangerous
as parts of a broken mirror,
parts that do not provide complete reflection of ideas
unless they're put back together as a mosaic,
with care of course
that I don't cut myself.
consequence of that could be a gash so deep
that will not heal without a
gentle attention.
but my shadow is not maladaptive
to all events that precede
while I'm standing on it.
it will wait patiently
until I get tired of this fragile domination
so it can carefully choose the shortest moment
of my weakness
to escape behind my back,
or in front of me ... it doesn't matter.
the point I'm trying to make is my obvious disorientation in a situation
for which I believe I'm in complete control
not knowing that the shadow is actually
PLAYING with ME.
as a result I'll circle a few more times
around the same point
searching for the meaning of this understatement.

totally unclear decision.











© Tom Del Braco